New beginnings....

Well, it's been emotional the last three/four months.. a life change isn't really the word.  

The modelling has kind of reach a high.. it's been amazing.. I never believed I would be back where I have been recently.. all sorts of offers coming in.. legit ones at that... once again, I'm being taken seriously.. and it feels amazing.. If I were to hang up my stilletoes and lipstick tomorrow I know I've finally succeeded in following my dream.. Despite much opposition and hate.. i grew stronger and did what I started out to do all those years ago, I fulfilled many wishes.

Since I last blogged, I've had many more shoots.. met some lovely new photographers and become friends with them and some of their families too.. it's been a fab journey.. and it isn't over yet.. I will continue.. I enjoy it and I think I do OK!

As with most things, with the positive, there have been a few negatives.  Financially my world took on a tumble back in June.. I don't want to go into it too tough here, but let's just say... I've never been rich monetary wise, but I hit rock bottom.  Working full time, getting by on a very low wage, it was a struggle, my son lost his job too.. it's been tough. A few people who have seen me and know me well have asked me "why are you dieting when you are so proud to be curvy".. It wasn't a chosen diet.. some days I didn't eat because I couldn't afford to... I have sat in a dark house with no electric, was scared for the winter because I didn't see how I was going to afford the gas to heat the house.  I knew I had to take drastic action.  I had to leave a job that, to be honest, wasn't the worse job in the world.. the people were lovely, the work a bit mind numbingly simple but the wages were ridiculous. Luckily for me.. I had the option to take up some paid modelling work that got me through the really dark days.  I've also found out those who REALLY care about me and my well being.  My mum and dad, at an age when I should be looking out for them, came up trumps... Someone whom I haven't known for very long lent me some money when I was desperate.. someone who was in a similar position to me lent me £20... one friend bought a food parcel round one day. These people are the people who now matter to me.. as much as I couldn't give my time like I once did (because I was busy trying to survive and working long hours during the week and weekend).. neither did they abandon me - they were there.. they helped.

On social networking sites, I always try to keep up beat and not share the down times ..  many people haven't known what's been going on here, so when I do tell them.. they are shocked.. but it doesn't matter because now things are on the up again.. I am coming back and this time.. it's going to be different.

About 6 weeks ago, more paid work was coming in on the modelling side, but I couldn't accept it because I was working full time, many of the jobs were in the week.  It was suggested to me that I leave my job and take a part time position somewhere and then put more time into the modelling.  I really thought about it.  But.. I had to be realistic.  I'm nearly 49.. as a youngster, I remember how much of a fickle world it was back then - you could be flavour of the month one month and then all of a sudden, the phone wouldn't ring for weeks! Why will it be different at my age now.. it would be a lot harder.. and I promise you, there are many mature models out there trying to make their way in this game and they all have a similar dilema.  I don't have a husband or a partner to pay the bills and the rent for the dry times... so .. I couldn't take the risk.. NO.. I had to up my game and search for a better paid job.

Fortunately for me, it didn't take too long.. I got my CV out there, made a few phone calls to a few contacts and went for a few interviews.  Because my job was low paid and basically an admin assistant, I wasn't shooting too high above my belt.. it had been a long time since I was doing Sales work, let alone Management.  So I went for an interview at a place that was looking for a Sales Administration Assistant.  When I got there, they asked me out right.. would I be interested in the Sales & Marketing Managers position.. I told them I have never done their kind of Sales before, but if the training and backing was there.. I would give it a go.. the money was rather a large jump to what I was on.  I couldn't believe my luck when they agreed!! "When can you start"!!! 

Well... as some of you know.. I started that new job on October 14th after tearfully saying farewell to my colleagues at the old place.. I must admit I was scared but somewhere a determination had appeared in my belly.. I was also very hopeful.

I'm now into my second week at the new place.  The people seem just as nice.  I have two staff working for me, one a young lad and the other a young girl.. the girl is so sweet.. as helpful as she can be.. the young lad a little more of a challenge, but he's young and has potential .. he wants it all now.. but I don't see no harm in that.. I just need to knock some of his laziness out of him and surgically remove his mobile phone.. and I think he will do good.

One thing I wont do is lie to you.  It isn't easy!! In fact.. it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.. the hours are longer and I have gone in completely blind.  The terminology is all new and the pressure is on me.  There hasn't been any training as yet and the computer database needs a huge sort out.. but that determination is still there.. I can do this.. I'm looking forward to the challenge and hopefully the success.  I'm also, for the first time in a long while, really looking forward to pay day.

When that day comes.. I'm not going to go out and blow my wages on clothes and shoes and handbags and self indulgent things.. I am going to sit down and sort out my finances, hopefully repay those whom were kind enough to help me and go FOOD SHOPPING.. I will then go home and cook a big meal.. with meat and veggies and potatoes and gravy.. I may even really push the boat out and cook a sweet.. I am going to FEAST and celebrate.  Celebrate the fact that once again.. things have turned around.

I truly believe, this year has been  one of the biggest learning curves I've ever had in my life and yes I include the years I was affected so badly with anxiety.  

My dad hasn't been in the best of health, nor have a few of my friends.  I lost my lovely friend Pickle, my companion for many years.. my dog, back in February.. and the ensuing months have bought so many highs and so many lows.  It's almost been a contradiction of itself.

But you know what... I AM STILL HERE.. I AM LIVING.. If life was always on the same level it would be like a straight road with no scenery.... Going no where.. and pointless! Well I can't say that.. I've learnt.. never to take anything or anyone for granted.. to cherish those around you and to understand that so long as you have the love and support of your family and friends.. the good people around you.. then you will get through.. just keep hope in your heart and have faith in yourself.  

I hope to continue down my road for many years to come.. I just hope it's long and bendy, but right now I want a little bit of that straightness so I can get my strength back and take on my new beginnings.  

I'm not sure it's going to work, but the reason behind my blog tonight is because of a video my dear friend Matt made for me - documenting our recent work together.. he put it to the song "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone.... he said, it summed me and my life up completely.. and I agree... I've posted it below.. but my blog is doing some silly things with it and it's flickering madly.. if you cant see it, you can see it on my facebook page... https://www.facebook.com/DancingDebiModel?ref=br_tf if you do get to see it.. enjoy.. and listen to the words xxx